14 things you don't need to know followed by 14 things that won't make you laugh

Posted by Chuck at 8/28/2008 7:31 PM
Categories: Funny
I found this site the other day.

http://www.factropolis.com/

It's full of interesting factoids. The kind of information that doesn't really make you any smarter, but can make you more irritating when you've been drinking.

I other words, my kind of facts.

The problem is they all scream for some sort of follow-up statement, so I made the fun facts a little funner:

1. Princess Diana had her navel pierced and fitted with a 2.8 carat diamond just a few hours before her fatal car crash. So when my daughter asks to get hers pierced, I can say with a complete conviction that I know of a woman who had hers done and died three hours later. "Do you want that to happen to you too?"

2. At the 2006 World Gourmand Expo, Asian desserts took last place in every category: taste, texture, aroma, appearance, and presentation. After spending eight months of my life in three different Asian countries, I can tell you had they not been judged this way, the expo would have lost every shred of credibility

3. Gregory Mendel, best known as the "father of modern genetics" for his experiments with pea plants, was also the father of the modern nudist movement. The mother of the modern nudist movement was also someone you would rather gouge your eyes out than see naked; this tradition of all nudists being butt-ass ugly continues to this day.

4. Marilyn Monroe was a pipe smoker. Duh, isn't that how you have to break into show business in the first place? Ever heard of a casting couch? Ask Spencer Pratt if you're still confused.

5. Emperor penguins appear in one of the ancient Minoan frescoes in the Santorini archipelago in the Aegean Sea. They also appear in the movie March of the Penguins, which won a friggin academy award for best feature documentary, which is a little more timely and relevant if you ask me.

6. William Shakespeare was dyslexic. And I am not, which explains why I've never understood that pap.

7. The Vikings wore primitive tube socks made from sheep's' bladders and peat moss. While being violently subjugated, the Scots thought they looked yummy and have been eating haggis ever since.

8. For the duration of his presidency, Ronald Reagan slept with a roll of Life Savers candy under his pillow to bring good luck. George W. Bush discovered and ate this roll the evening of September 10th, 2001.

9. Australian Aborigines have and unusually high tolerance for pain. Native Americans have developed an unusually high tolerance for getting screwed over.

10. Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis owned an extensive collection of beer cans from around the world. Her husband had an extensive collection of STDs from around the world.

11. In 1923, parts of China's rural Heilongjiang province experienced a severe thunderstorm during which thousands of cobras fell from the sky. Amid the torrent, a local religious leader cried to heaven "Why God? WHY!?" Then the clouds parted and a ray of light shone upon the town and God's voice boomed forth from heaven, "Because you a$$holes pissed me off!"

12. In a cold war coincidence, an American and a Russian spy were both given the same code name: "Platypus." Both also, coincidentally, finished at the bottom of their class in spy school.

13. The Inca devised an effective method of refrigerating foods using nothing more than clay, corn husks, spring water, and feces. Because if you don't refrigerate food, it smells like s**t after a few days.

14. Johnny Cash was an avid quilter. They say he washed a quilt in Reno just to watch it dry.

 
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